Week 81: Heads You Lose

This Week's Contest: Take any two or more headlines anywhere in today's Washington Post, and combine them to make a funnier headline. You can do all sorts of cutting and pasting: You may discard words and redistribute words, but you may not cut up words. (The smallest movable unit is the word, not the letter.) We would prefer that you do actual cutting and pasting, but will not disqualify written or typed entries. In either case, please indicate on which pages the constituent headlines appeared.

First-prize winner receives the fantastic magicians' Knife-Through-the-Arm Trick, with a coupon for free blood-spatter capsules, a value of $85. Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Losers T-Shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. Mail them to the Style Invitational, Week 81, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Oct. 10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced in three weeks. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, appropriateness or humor. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads again requests examples of onomatopoeia, words that sound like what they define. Mail to Style Invitational, Onomatopoeia Contest, etc. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 78, in which we asked you to come up with Oxymorons, expressions composed of contradictory or incompatible elements. But first, the winners of the "Whatever Happened to Week 64?" contest, in which you were asked to explain the mysterious jump from Week 63 to Week 65. The winner of the clock featuring an American Indian who looks about as much like an American Indian as Lawrence Welk did is Joyce Rains of Bethesda, for multiple good entries, including "It got stuck to the back of Week 63" and "It was disowned from the Week 60 Family because it married Week 7, its `common' denominator." A special mention to Larry Covey of Columbia, who pointed out that Lawrence Welk was actually an American Indian named Lawrence Walking Elk. "At the reservation the young bubblemeister-to-be learned to write his name as Lawrence W. Elk. An army recruiter later got confused. . . ." And lastly, a special mention to Sarah Worcester of Bowie, who has been bombarding us with picture postcards fashioning a bizarre and frankly insane explanation for the whereabouts of Week 64, involving a pet alligator named Leland, rampant substance abuse and an orgy at a place called Bob's Goat World. Sarah is a humongous genius who should be courted by royalty and pampered for the remainder of her life. Will you stop now, Sarah?

Back to the Oxymorons: Many, many good ideas were too widely entered to reward with prizes: Civil War, Rap Music, Clinton Policy, Madonna, Clinton Plan, Rush Hour, Clinton Agenda, Postal Worker, The Honorable (Marion Barry, Oliver North, Dan Rostenkowski etc.), Priority Mail, Civil Servant, Baseball Players and, of course, Style Invitational Winner.

Fifth Runner-Up: U.N. Resolution (Steven King, Alexandria)

Fourth Runner-Up: Soccer Score (Robin D. Grove, Washington)

Third Runner-Up: The Jackson Family Honors (Anne Wolfson, New York)

Second Runner-Up: Tobacco Futures (Timothy Morgan, Laurel)

First Runner-Up: True North (David Kuebrich, Fairfax; also, Chuck Nelson, Alexandria)

And the winner of the spectacular Cadillac hubcaps:

Reagan Memoirs (Jessica Steinhice, Washington; also, L. Woodall, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

Low-Speed Chase (Glenn W. Chong, San Diego)

Reader's Digest Sweepstakes Final Notice (John Wallington, Silver Spring)

Monosyllabic (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

The Haft Family (Dick Holt, Arlington; also, J. Lakshmanan, Lanham)

Butt-head (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

The Untold Story of O.J. Simpson (Thomas Coffey, Chantilly)

A Mild-Mannered Reporter (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

The Nature Co. (Steve Bunyak, Arlington)

Industrial Park (David Shorr, Arlington)

Hare Krishnas (Chris Rooney, Reston)

Mars Observer (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Sleeping Like a Baby (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Briefings (Shelley Crossland, Centreville)

Mrs. Jack Kent Cooke (Joe Willmore, Alexandria)

Yom Kippur (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

And Last:

Spectacular ... Hubcap (Cole Arendt, Washington)

Next Week: Pterror Dactyls